Always there

I feel like I can’t escape it these days. No matter what I’m doing, my mind wanders. To my loss, to my previous losses, to wondering what is wrong and how we are going to move forward.

I started going for daily walks during the work day shortly before I became pregnant for the fourth time. Just for the opportunity to get out of my office and get some fresh air (and to try and hit 10,000 steps on fitbit of course). When I was pregnant, these walks were times for daily pep talks with the baby to grow and be healthy. Now they are an endless thought pattern of “what happens next”, or “what is wrong”, or “will we get a second child?”

I haven’t cried nearly as much this time. There are probably five times a day where I tell Lance that “I want my baby back”, but many fewer tears. I don’t know if I’m hardened, or I’m just so determined to figure out what is going on so that we can try to fix it.

As usual, I just want to get pregnant again, but I know things may be different this time. We aren’t just waiting for my cycle to return, but we’re also waiting for testing results, and possibly interventions to help our chances of carrying a baby to term.

So when there is nothing to do but wait, you just get lost in thought. All day long.

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