How Quickly Things Change

I must have been lulled into a calm feeling. The other day I stopped into Buy Buy Baby to pick up a present for my friend’s baby shower. I stopped for a minute, looking at the cozy little newborn outfits that would be perfect for my winter baby. I got caught up in the fantasy of what it would actually be like to have a baby of my very own. Then this morning, I came crashing back down to reality. Yesterday was a long and busy day. I drove up to Richmond for work and spent a good chunk of the day on my feet. I then drove back and made it home around 11:15 pm. My back ached much of the day but I attributed it to all of the walking and standing. I also didn’t have my 4 pm nausea. Still, I went to bed ok knowing that I hadn’t seen any sort of spotting. That all changed when I woke up this morning to a tiny bit of brown discharge. Now it was not very much. I’ve only seen it the first two times I went to the bathroom today and not the other 4-5. But still, today I’m 9 weeks 2 days. Our first baby died on this day. That fact doesn’t escape me. Last time I didn’t notice the brown discharge until 10 weeks 4 days. So it took 12 days for it to show up after the baby died. I know our baby was alive 8 days ago. But I’m still a nervous wreck and I’m beginning to prepare myself for the worst. My OB’s office apparently doesn’t have anyone working today that can do an ultrasound. So the best they could do was fit me in for an appointment first thing Monday morning. We leave today for the mountains on what was supposed to be a romantic, relaxing trip. I’m thankful for the distraction but know that it will be hard to relax. I am hoping more than anything that  we make it through the weekend with no further brown discharge. I should have known that this is what happens when I get lulled into thinking everything is going to work out.

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