This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I took a pregnancy test earlier this week and it was faintly positive. Kept taking the tests all week and they stayed faintly positive. This convinced me that my hormone levels haven’t dropped and that I am who knows how far away from my body being back to normal.
I called the dr and they had me come in yesterday for bloodwork. When the results came back this morning I found out that my HCG is still at 12. Now, according to them, that could either be a new pregnancy or leftover hormones. My gut is telling me that it is leftover hormones. I’m feeling funny twinges and light cramping in my uterus, as if something is going on down there. I hope that something is either a new cycle about to start or a blastocyst that has just implanted. The hardest and scariest part for me is just not knowing. I have no idea what is going on with my body and how long I am going to have to wait.
I’ve never been a patient person, and this is just trying my patience more than anything ever has. It’s all that I think about and nothing distracts me. I’m just so sad and nothing helps. I just need a new cycle to let me move on, and until it arrives, I don’t feel like I will. Every where I go I see pregnant people or newborns, and that doesn’t help my sadness. I wish I had the strength, but days like today I just feel like I have none. It’s so hard to just pretend everything is ok when it isn’t.
I just hope soon it will happen so that my heart can begin to recover and so that my mind can find something else to occupy it.