Not much laughing going on…

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I had been experiencing a brown discharge for about 4 days when I went in for my routine appointment yesterday. I had called the doctor on Saturday concerned about the brown and they said if there is no bright red blood or cramping, that it was probably nothing to worry about. I went in, the doctor talked some, did a pap smear, and again, not much concern. Since I was only 11 weeks 1 day, she decided not to try and find the hb on doppler and just brought in the ultrasound machine to check on the baby. She tried the abdominal first. At 8 weeks, they pulled my baby and its 179 hb up immediately on the abdominal. This time, she kept moving it around over my belly and wasn’t getting anything. She then tried the transvaginal where she confirmed that there was no hb. She scanned all over my baby…there were arms, legs, a head, no tail. It looked perfect other than here was no flickering of the heart. My husband and I immediately broke down. It was just not what we expected. We had seen the heart beating twice on two ultrasounds. The hb was so strong just 3 weeks earlier. The baby measured 9 weeks two days, which means the heart had stopped almost 13 days earlier. My m/s had really slowed but I thought it was just because I had gotten into my 9th week. I never had one spot of bright red blood and still haven’t. She said because it does not seem to want to pass on its own I could either get the medicine or do a vacuum aspiration (which they do instead of a d and c since its less risky and no anesthesia). After some talk we decided to schedule the vacuum aspiration for today. As much as I’d prefer the privacy of my own home, she said because of how far along I am the chances of it working are only 60-70% and then I’d still need the procedure done. I am just devestated. We both are. We were so excited for this baby. Our first pregnancy. And now I have so much fear about getting pregnant again and bringing a pregnancy to term. The grief is as much as I’ve ever felt, and I just don’t even feel llike I can function right now. Valentine’s Day (the day we found out) and Labor Day (the baby’s due date) will never be the same. This wasn’t the intention of this blog, but I’m hoping that writing will help me get through…

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